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I have a secret

So I have been putting this off as I have been dealing with this myself.

Oh where to start. I guess I will cover the basics of this and do other post later about the rest.

Back this past August my life changed forever.

The best way to put this so some people understand is thinking of it like weather.

One day the sky opened up like it does after a bad storm or in my case a hurricane. What I mean by that is one day I realized what was right before me and woke up. I realized that I was in an emotional and verbally abusive relationship. I had been making excuses for years for what I thought was normal in my life and it was abuse.

It was later that day I thought about all this love I feel in my heart and how I could love someone that was like this to me. I realized I didn’t, yes I took care of him and cared for his health, but the love I once felt was gone. I am unsure how long it has been this way. Maybe as I work with therapy I will know that answer.

So I thought about my life and what was going on in my life. I took about 3-5 days to focus on myself mentally and think. All this time my husband had no idea how I felt. I thought about the people in my life and what they mean to me and my relationships with them.

It was at this time, I thought about this gentle, kind man in my life our friend. I realized that there maybe something there other then friendship, so on a car ride with him to pick up something I talked to him. I told him I care about him and I think I have feelings for him. He said the same. That was August 10th.

I thought about how I was going to tell my husband so after a day I just seat him down and said that this is not working and I am not in love with him.

This started the worst hell I have ever been in. For 3 days my life sucked as we tried to figure out what we were going to do. The abuse went to a whole new level, which ended at 3 AM on August 14th with a call to 911. My husband was violently trying to kill myself and our friend.

violence

After so much court stuff and a divorce. I am happy to say I am on the road to healing. Therapy every 2 weeks and lots of one day at a time. I am starting to know what our soldiers go thought when coming home as I now have PTSD.

It has been 6 months since my life changed forever. Yes it was hell, but to get to sunshine you sometimes have to make it thru a lot of storms.

I am happier then I have ever been. I finally feel LOVED. I am not sure the last time I felt this loved.

So a thought to think about and something that keeps me going. “Something will grow from all you are going through. And it will be YOU.” – unknown.

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Ok ok I am a bad blogger.

yeah I know I said I was going to blog more and that did not happen. I have pictures of projects I did and mean to post. I am hoping to get back on schedule with my daily living soon. I will be scheduling time for myself to blog also. I had a weekend conference followed shortly after by working at a camp for 2 weeks. Maybe I will post again tomorrow. No promise but I hope I will have something different for you soon. 

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Hello

Once again I am sorry for not posting. I am not trying to make excuses but life has been busy. I am going to try and make a few post and schedule them so this does not keep happening. If you noticed I have taken the plunge and made this blog a .com maybe this will make me more accountable.

Well it is late so off to bed.

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Oh STRESS …

Stressed does not even bring to describe my life right now. I have been trying to get my house clean and organized… Not working out great. I have been taking care of my mother since last November and have been doing a lot for her. Every time we get a few steps ahead and are starting to make progress she goes back in the hospital and we start all over again. I am not complaining I don’t mind taking care of her, even if it can be a thankless job a lot of times. It is just stressful to have a life and balance all the demands of taking care of her and my family at the same time.

I wish sometimes I could get on a plane and go some where for a few days.

I don’t normally post rants here but I had no were else to go.

Thanks for listening.